As Molly recently posted, this is the second anniversary of the stillbirth of our twin sons, Phineas Jon and Abraham Steven. We like to call them Phin and Bram. It’s difficult to add to what Molly has already written, but there are few things that have been on my mind and heart lately about the boys.
Immediately after the twins were born (jumping ahead in line to be with our Father), the pain of the loss to us was visceral. This was to be expected, though, and we were (and still are) lovingly supported by our family, friends, and our Lord. The loss was profound, but it was simple. For a little while, it was clear how we were supposed to feel. We sought out counseling which confirmed and grounded our feelings. But, as usual, things tend to change.
As time goes on, it can become more difficult for me to know how I’m supposed to feel. “Supposed to feel” may not even be a valid term or approach at all, so you can begin to see the complexity of these feelings. But as we have approached this second anniversary and as we raise our wonderful new baby girl, Josie, I’ve been thinking about this. I still miss our boys. I still wish they were here. The dissonance comes from the fact that I don’t at all want to wish away the beautiful gift that is our life raising our daughter.
What I’ve come to realize is that as time has moved forward, much of the pain of loss of the boys is from not having the life with them that I had expected. Now that Josie is with us, it has helped me to realize that although God’s plan for us is not what I was expecting two years ago, it is still a good plan. Living within that plan is a good thing! Although it’s okay for me to miss my sons, I will see them again. Having Josie with us has helped me to put to rest the plans and dreams that I had two years ago. Not discarded, but put to rest.
I still miss Phin and Bram, but I have Jesus and Molly and Josie. Living in God’s plan really is a wonderful thing.