It’s a beautiful Tuesday morning – unseasonably cool for August, and as I sit at the computer I can hear the lovely sounds of a 10 month old trying not to nap. She is in the next room over and the monitor registers her sometimes pitiful moanings, and “nananana’s” and some sort of singing noises. The sounds rev up and then there is quiet for a minute, followed by more noises, then more quiet. This is the rhythm of my days of late. Bursts of activity, feeding, cleaning, changing, playing, then the quiet of a sleeping baby followed by more feeding, cleaning, changing, etc. These are good days, although sometimes they are long and by 4:00 pm I don’t feel like quite the energetic grace-giving, happy diaper-changing mom I was at 8:00 am, but there is grace for that.
I’m finally taking the time to sit and type this morning because it is late August and that means that another anniversary is coming. Saturday will be the 2nd anniversary of the stillbirth of our sons Phin and Bram. Identical twin boys that shared a placenta and an amniotic sac and brightened our lives for six months and then went home to be with the Lord.
In the weeks following our loss we were told that it really takes about a year to heal, and as we approached the first anniversary I was anxious as to what it would bring. Would it be like reliving those first days? Would it be wave after wave of grief? It seemed that the anticipation of the anniversary was worse than the actual day itself. Allyn and I marked August 29, 2014 by taking a family photo at the boys’ memorial tree outside of our church and then going out to dinner and talking about those early days. It was sad and there were some tears but there was also sweetness in the remembering. Remembering the excitement of finding out that there was not one but two babies, and then discovering that they were boys, feeling them kick and move, sharing our joy with friends, choosing names with big meaning and names that honored important men in our lives, several ultrasounds that generated incredible images of growing boys with sweet profiles and button noses – and one image in particular of the boys holding hands. There was also sweetness in remembering the days of our loss and the comfort that was showered upon us and new friendships sealed by common tears over babies loved and longed for and waiting in heaven. And last year there was a new sense of longing and expectation for the little girl I was carrying who would, in just a few short months, be delivered into our arms and come to live with us.
As we approach this second anniversary I sense again the longing for my boys and yearning of my soul for heaven. Not just for the reunion with Phin and Bram, but for being with Jesus and for the end of suffering and tears and sin and loss. But I am thankful for the beautiful, precious gift that is asleep in her crib right now. For the blessing of being her Mom and for the 10,000 + kisses I have planted on her since her arrival last October. She is a gift. She is not a replacement for our loss, nor does her presence lessen my love and longing for Phin and Bram, but she is a reminder of the goodness of my Heavenly Father who has promised blessing and an inheritance and two boys – perfect, whole, and healthy and waiting in heaven. So we mark another ebenezer in our lives 
and take time to remember and to thank God for the precious lives of Phin and Bram and for the promise that God has and will use their lives to build His kingdom. We stop to thank God that He knows our suffering and our heartache and that it is only for a little while longer, and we stop to thank God for the blessing of the sweet gift of Josephine Joy through whom He has surely increased our joy.